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Extended Break

I haven't been in to work since October 17. 

October 18 I woke up around 1 am and couldn't go back to sleep, so I stayed home. I didn't think I'd be able to work well with that little sleep. I'm glad I did stay home, though, as that was my last day with my husband. He had a seizure around 5pm that evening, and never regained consciousness. They ventilated him before I was even able to get to the hospital - the paramedics took him out of the house without really saying anything to me after working on him for a while. Once I did get to the hospital to see him, they had determined that he had a cerebral aneurysm and were going to fly him out to the nearest trauma hospital. He didn't end up getting there until after 8pm. They did a procedure to relieve his brain pressure, and he didn't get up to his room in the ICU until 1am. Before the procedure, the doctors said it would be a long 3 weeks of monitoring him, and that if he woke up it would be a long recovery. I really didn't think the if was real, though. How could he not wake up?

It's a long story, but no, he didn't wake up. The closest he got was the nurses and doctors hurting him to get him to be alert enough to give them a thumbs up and move his feet. But that only lasted for a couple of days, before he had a stroke and then they sedated him to try to keep his brain from damaging itself further. We didn't know for another 2 weeks, but it was too late. The strokes damaged his brain in parts so severely he likely would never wake up. So we arranged for his organs to be checked for donation before taking him off of the ventilator. 

It's been one month and one day since he officially passed. I still don't feel like this is real. I can barely do anything but cry, and when I do, I'm drained. I have been slowly making changes to my house, trying to make things make sense for me. Or just give me something to do, I think. I haven't been able to do much of getting anything settled because his death certificate just came in on Friday. 

I haven't told my students. Well, I told one who emailed me and asked specifically how my husband was. I feel like I can't face telling my students. My coworkers are amazing and have been helping out so much, and collected cards from my students when my husband was still in the hospital. 

Some days are better than others right now, but I do cry every day. Every day something new hits me, like the fact I was looking forward to having a 50th wedding anniversary like my grandparents. Like when my kids have left the house, it'll be just me. I was looking forward to retirement, but not anymore. I'm sure at some point I will, but right now, it just feels so lonely. We had dreams of travelling together after the kids were out of the house. 

I also hate that I don't have anything else to say. Just that I miss my husband. I wish he was still here with me. It's the refrain that's constantly going through my head if I stop to think. So I try not to think too much, listening to podcasts as I meander around my house. 

I am planning on going back after winter break - I'm hoping I'll be able to have almost everything settled by then, and be in a better state of mind. We switched to semesters this year so it'll be right at the start of a new grading period - a fresh slate for everyone. Mostly.



Great Grief by Donna Ashworth

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