Would've, Could've, Should've

That's my favorite song on Taylor Swift's new album. Probably because it's a phrase that won't stop running through my head.

I requested Tim's medical records from a few years ago, because I found his journals and in them, he talks about having headaches and the fear that he would die.

Journal Entry I'm scared. I am so scared. I feel like I am losing myself.

Essentially, it's as I remembered it, that the doctors ran a lot of tests but basically didn't find anything other than high blood pressure. He went to the doctors multiple times over the years, and almost every single time, it said that his blood pressure was high, and that he wasn't taking his blood pressure medication. Sometimes he'd forget to take it, but he was also hyper aware of side effects of medications that the doctors would prescribe, and I truly think let the fear of medicine causing side effects stop him from taking the medicine that would help him.

Multiple times the doctors note for him to take his medication, and to go to the hospital if he had a severe headache due to his high blood pressure. I'm not sure if that's something that was expressed to him in person or just written in the notes, but I really wish we had remembered it all these years later. He did have what he claimed to be the worst headache of his life 4 days before he was hospitalized, but it went away with headache medicine and we didn't really think too much about it. If I'd known, I would've taken him to the hospital that day.

I know focusing on the would'ves, could'ves, and should'ves isn't helpful, but I can't stop myself. If only he would've taken his medicine. I could've told him to go to the hospital. I should've done more to keep his blood pressure in check. I know it's not helpful. That there really isn't anything I could have done. There is no way we truly expected something like this to happen. But I really wish we could've.

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